I've been writing this list of self-forgiveness all day. I think I could go on an on, and probably will as I'm not nearly done with the process here, but I guess this is a good chunk to start with.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not accept the body I'm in, the tool through
which I am present, participating in and manifesting life in this
physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refer to myself in the second person, to speak
to myself as “you”, to separate myself from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is –
whatever it happens to be at the moment, as it never has and never
will be as good as any ideal I can come up with – I will not be
accepted and loved by the people around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if my body is the way it is, I
will never receive desired attention, admiration, acceptance, love,
tenderness, companionship or sex from anyone – a fear of ending up
alone – a fear of not being enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am constantly being judged by other
people according to my physical appearance, and that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define and limit myself accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and how they react
to what they perceive, and due to this defend myself by hiding,
escaping, attacking, masking myself, wearing roles and characters to
take the punches instead of baring myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive my “real” self as too vulnerable
and weak to be exposed – too easy a target – and thus believe I
am “forced” to hide myself under masks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hate my body and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to violently abuse myself physically by hitting,
kicking, scratching, tearing, biting, starving, cutting, burning,
freezing and neglecting the needs of my physical being.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to violently abuse myself
mentally by insulting, belittling, demeaning, limiting, tormenting
and suppressing myself within and as my thoughts, speech and actions.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating an
ideal for yourself is a good way to motivate yourself to improve
yourself, not realizing that the created ideal itself is an image
forged by the mind and that reality is not an image and cannot be
forced to function like a two-dimension imitation of itself,
especially in the process of change and growth which can lead you to
pretty much anywhere due to the unpredictable nature of life itself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal for myself
not realizing that if it were attained I would create a new one and
the cycle of self-hate and self-abuse would just keep on going.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the key to
changing myself is not in realizing what I want to become but
accepting that which I am now as the present me and figuring out what
is actually required for change.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretations
of my childhood experiences even though I'm not a child anymore and
haven't had a second look at what I experienced and what actually
happened.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my beliefs
about my body have not been taught to me as I have interpreted them –
I am responsible for the warped way I have been looking at my
experiences as an insecure pre-teen and for the way I have allowed
myself to continue believing what that child-me grew to believe.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my family members
of the way I interpreted their words and actions.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the world to be
what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social world
to be what I was taught it to be and my childhood interpretation of
it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to pressuring when
questioning what was taught to me.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the people I had
granted “authority” to know “better than me”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my body and
become frustrated and violate myself when I couldn't.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the
reflection in the mirror – the two-dimensional picture that poses –
a one woman show of a myriad of characters I believe to be what I am
and what others want to see – not realizing none of this is actual
life itself, but a mere visual representation of a one certain
dimension of countless dimensions.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the girl in
the photograph.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the text I
write.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the books I
read.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the music I
listen to.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to
the people I know and the people I meet.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life and define
myself through images such as the ones mentioned above, not realizing
none of this is life but merely a documentation of it, documentations
never being life itself as here, breathing and present.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not credit the
change that has already occurred in my physical being due to months
and years of consistent changes in my lifestyle, and crave for fast
results instead of realizing that permanent change may be slow – I
have rapidly lost weight before, but it has never lasted for more
than a few months.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there's something
wrong with my body for not losing any fat even though I'm exercising,
ignoring the fact that my body is very healthy in spite of the excess
fat and that getting rid of the fat is no longer a health issue but
an aesthetical one.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly live in the
future instead of being here – envisioning what I want to become
instead of facing what I am.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current
beauty ideal of our culture is the way I ought to be to be accepted.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women are
perceived to have no other value than their looks, thus believing I
have no value as, when comparing to those who are considered “most”
beautiful, I “lose”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everyone
and everything is beautiful as it is, as life, and that cultural
definitions and hierarchies of beauty are arbitrary and meaningless
as they are based on images alone.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as visual
information and aesthetics.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not
fit the visual and aesthetical standards of our (or any) culture, I
cannot be considered beautiful, not realizing beauty is about life
itself instead of mind-images such as visual, audial or other kinds
of processed sensory information.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my looks and other
physical traits to every woman I meet and see to determine whether
I'm “winning” or “losing”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the
competitiveness built into the social culture of women as “natural”,
that it is ok as long as I'm not the worst and last pick.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my looks determine
whether I will ever get the chance to approach the people I consider
attractive, or, in fact, whether the ones I consider attractive will
ever “notice” me and take the initiative so I wouldn't have to.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility
of initiating social interaction in the fear that I will be rejected,
not realizing that we all carry the same fear and if I don't change
myself the way we interact won't change either.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my body.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of certain
parts of my body in particular, not considering my body as a whole.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of
my body I am ashamed of by morphing my body and stature.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the parts of
my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes that cover up those body
parts.
- tarkennus
17082012: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
try and hide the parts of my body I am ashamed of by wearing clothes
that cover up those body parts; in this I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “superficial”
(putting some effort into the way I look / what kind of visual
information I send) whenever wearing/choosing clothes that suit my
body, completely ignoring the fact that it may also be a purely
aesthetical action based on the fact that certain clothes support
certain body types better than others, and that clothing, too, can be
a form of self-expression. To ignore the way one looks would be
abandoning an essential part of this reality; to wear clothes that
fit and function is not a limitation but a support - when that
support, clothing, entwines with fear (obsession, insecurity,
self-hatred, duty, expectations, demands, you name it) it becomes a
limitation.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what shame
actually is – my fear of being judged by others – my fear of not
being enough – me not accepting myself – me not being here as
myself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly worry about my
looks.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn certain ways of
standing or sitting that “look cool”; in other words, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose as an image
instead of being here as myself expressing myself freely through my
physical being.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at myself “from the
outside”, as an observer who criticizes and judges, instead of
being here within myself behind my eyes, not realizing that what the
observer “sees” is just an image in my head, as I cannot actually
look at myself from outside my head.
I commit myself to
accept my physical body as it is.
I commit myself to
notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release my fears.
I commit myself to
stop abusing myself and instead treat myself with kindness,
gentleness, forgiveness and love.
I commit myself to
notice, stop, face, examine, breathe through and release all of my
mind-images, including the ones about my body and others'.
I commit myself to
carry full responsibility of myself, my process of change and my
thoughts, words and actions.
I commit myself to
live patience and consistency.
I commit myself to
always consider the state of my body's well-being as a whole.
I commit myself to
stand fearless within myself as myself.
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